Scene: Two neighbors are overheard as they cuffer over a backyard fence.
AUNT MYRTLE: Doshey maid, do you know what I seen last night coming home from the Barracks.?
AUNT DOSHEY: No Myrtle maid, I don’t because you haven’t told me yet.
AUNT MYRTLE: Well, it was pitch black and suddenly I sees a ghost as I was passing the old United Church cemetery. I got so palpitated that me galoshes ran all the way to Chloe’s house a quarter mile up the road. When I caught up to them I nearly died from perspiration. She thinks it was someone from up along in there among the headstones taking pictures.
AUNT DOSHEY: Bye, that’s some stun. You could fall into a grave that they hadn’t put nobody in yet and be buried without saying a Hail Mary.
AUNT MYRTLE: Maybe it was Uncle Frank. He was old as Buckley’s goat and wasn’t wearing his hearing aid when they told him he had kicked the bucket.
AUNT DOSHEY: Could be him or lantern lights you saw. People sees plenty of them. There’s also St. Anthony’s Fire.
AUNT MYRTLE: Isn’t that’s the rash you gets when you goes a week without changing your underclothes? I think you means St. Elmo’s Fire that some calls ball lightning. I saw it once light up my first husband, God rest his soul, like the first of July. We was handlining in his punt out in the bay and got caught in a thunderstorm. He should have listened to the old saying, “In a leaky punt with a broken oar, ‘tis always best to hug the shore”. Anyways, while trying to lower the sail, lightening struck and he got burned to a scrunchin. It was all hands on deck then but there was only two left and I owned both of them. Thank God, I was saved by a couple of squid fishermen going by in a skiff.
AUNT DOSHEY: Maid, you’ve had a hard life. What happened then?
AUNT MYRTLE: Not a word of a lie (and I’ve told a few before I got saved), one of them byes helped me move on with me death. We got married in oil skins because he didn’t have anything to wear that didn’t have squid juice on it. But it rained fire and brimstone when his wife heard about it. She chased me down to the harbour with a rolling pin and I had to jump off the wharf to save myself. Good thing that me third husband came to fish me out with a jigger while I was going down for the last time to live with the conners. The bad memory still haunts me.
AUNT DOSHEY: Uncle George told me he saw something when he was working all by himself up on the road putting pots in the gravel holes. He wondered what the dickens it was. Said it looked like what he’d seen in “A Christmas Carol”.
AUNT MYRTLE: Maybe it was a fairy squall swirling up something?
AUNT DOSHEY: Certainly, it would be too big for a horse’s fart and too early for drifting snow. It spooked the horse almost out of her traces. Uncle George thought he’d have to put her down, she made such an ass of himself.
AUNT MYRTLE: Yes, and there’s lots of moose wandering about at night and sometimes they gets in the yard if you leaves the gate open. The hairy buggers ate all my turnips last year. You got to carry a flashlight around with you these days.
AUNT DOSHEY: You means at night? That’s the worst time for seeing ghosts of all religious persuasions.
AUNT MYRTLE: Yes maid, the Major’s been looking a bit thin lately. But now I’m afraid to go out to the outhouse after dark. Either you might bump into a rack of antlers or something nasty in the hole could grab you especially if there’s a trace of St. Anthony’s Fire on your underparts. You know how your mind can play tricks when your nerves are bad.
AUNT DOSHEY: You can say that again. But thank God, the bears down here are harmless as mummers. Maybe it’s the bakeapples that gives them a good dispensation. They’s never attacked anybody as far as I knows. Has your third husband got his moose yet?
AUNT MYRTLE: He’s blind as Aunt Essie but they still gave him his tag this year. He swears he’s going in the woods with a 303 as soon as the white birch turns yellow. Just be on the lookout and duck when you sees the bullet coming.
AUNT DOSHEY: What a scoff that will be when some moose meat I will see?
AUNT MYRTLE: Yes maid. We shall gather at the river for that one. Do you want a bottle when I gets the cold packing done?
AUNT DOSHEY: I likes nothing better than fresh roasted moose with a Jiggs dinner. And don’t forget the pease pudding. The Screech can go to Uncle George. Do you remember the story of Balaam’s ass?
AUNT MYRTLE: No maid. I only reads the “War Cry”.
AUNT DOSHEY: According to the Bible, a horse is the only one you can thrust to tell the truth about ghosts.
AUNT MYRTLE: Yes maid, I believes you. If only Uncle George’s horse could talk.
Definitions of Newfoundland terms, words and phrases used in this piece:
Cuffer: noun - A tale, yarn, lie or tall story. The 'cuffers' (items of exaggeration on past common knowledge) ... are most commonly about the sea, sea exploits and sea storms. verb - to exchange tales; vie or compete with others in telling a tall story.
Barracks: Salvation Army place of worship.
Up along: away from a person or locality; to or on the mainland of Canada or the United States.
Some stun: foolish, stupid, naive.
Old as Buckley’s goat: common figure of speech in Newfoundland meaning very old.
Lantern lights: called spook lights on the mainland, those little balls of light, usually blue in color, appear at a particular locale and serve as the basis for many a spooky tale. What makes this phenomenon so different from other alleged paranormal activity is that these lights appear on a fairly regular basis and have been photographed, filmed, and even studied by scientists. As such, that they exist is not in doubt. Some great examples can be seen at http://www.toptenz.net/10-potentially-paranormal-examples-spook-light-phenomenon.php#.WYkCJbpFw2w.
St. Elmo's fire: a weather phenomenon in which luminous plasma is created by a coronal discharge from a sharp or pointed object in a strong electric field in the atmosphere. Myrtle confabulates it with ball lightning and a direct lightning strike to the boat.
Punt: an undecked boat up to 25 ft (7.6 m) in length, round-bottomed and keeled, driven by oars, sail or engine and used variously in the inshore or coastal fishery.
Scrunchin: bits of animal fat or fish liver, esp. after its oil has been rendered out; fatback pork, cut into cubes, often fried and served as a garnish, esp. over FISH AND BREWIS (Newfoundland dish cooked with salt cod and brewis - sea-biscuit or 'hard tack' soaked in water and then boiled).
Conner: a small bass like fish that lives around wharves.
Fairy squall: a strong, sudden gust of wind on an otherwise calm day but there's no lasting to it. It consists of a little whirlwind, and when these came around in early fall the old people would say the fairies were dancing.
Horse’s fart: the puffball mushroom quite common in Newfoundland that when disturbed will send a puff of spores jetting through a hole at the top.
Major: Salvation Army officer.
Mummer: elaborately costumed and disguised person who participates in various group activities at Christmas.
Bakeapple: a low plant growing in bogs and producing a semi-sweet mild tasting amber berry in late summer; cloudberry.
Scoff: a cooked meal at sea or ashore, esp. at night and often part of an impromptu party; such a repast prepared with 'bucked' or stolen ingredients.
Gather at the river: phrase taken from the song “Shall We Gather At The River”.
Jiggs dinner: a traditional Newfoundland meal, comparable to Corned beef and cabbage.
Screech: Newfoundland Screech is a rum sold in Newfoundland with 40% alcohol by volume.
War Cry: the official news publication of The Salvation Army.
Bio: Reading widely in the poetic canon has helped me develop a sense of taste in poetry. Some of my favourites are the French Symbolists, W.B. Yeats and great modern poets like Philip Larkin and Elizabeth Bishop. In addition, writing poetry has been one of the joys of my life because as Mallarmé said “beauty has only one perfect expression, Poetry”. You can visit me at http://www.rodspoetryblog.wordpress.com/.
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